*What I learned in counseling...

There came a point in my journey that I started to consider counseling. My sister was getting so much out of it, and sharing so much great stuff with me. But going to counseling usually meant there must be something wrong with me (shame). And I didn't want to go there. When I finally realized that counseling could help me and didn't mean anything was wrong with me, I decided to pray about it. And the Lord told me that counseling would be good for me. And it was! It helped me so much! Most importantly I learned about my struggles with self-worth, which I didn't even know was an issue for me. I was confident, independent, very capable of doing amazing things...and I had no idea that I didn't believe I was important unless I believed others thought I was important. I didn't believe I was good enough unless I believed others thought I was good enough. My brain would look for proof of this or against this all the time. And when I thought I saw evidence that others didn't think I was good enough or important, I would feel sad or feel resentment. 

Once I discovered this problem, I instantly realized that it wasn't true. I was amazing without any one else's approval. I was amazing simply because I was a daughter of God--and someone even more amazing created me. He had a plan for me. I was important. Important to Him. And ultimately, that was most important to me. So I changed. I stopped worrying about pleasing others. I pleased myself and I pleased God. I'd mess up in that area a lot, but messing up didn't make me any less important. It just made me human. And the opportunity to repent and grow closer to Him through the process is part of the plan.

I've stopped just pleasing people and now choose to do or not do things depending on if it is good for everybody, including myself. This doesn't mean I won't sacrifice and do something I don't enjoy doing to help someone out. But if it's something I really don't want to do that brings on thoughts that cause anxiety and stress that I'm not in the mood to take on, or is not healthy for me to do, I can say no and choose not to do it. Or I can make a compromise that I can live with. I don't need to feel guilty about this. I am learning to be patient with myself in the meantime and take care of me. I can stretch and take on a lot when I know I can handle it. It's important to stand up for my needs because it's part of me knowing that I'm valued, I have great worth, I'm important, I'm good enough, and I am in charge of me. I can say no to things and still be a good person. Because I'm important, I can do great things and not feel guilty about not saying yes to everything. I can choose between good, better, and best. And love me in all of those places.

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