*My Story in a nutshell—It was all in my head


Once upon a time I met a wonderful man that I fell in love with, pretty much at first sight. He was gorgeous, totally buff, athletic, smart, studious, fun, adventurous, and had big dreams. He swept me off my feet, serenading me with his great voice and amazing piano skills. He wanted a family, me to be a stay-at-home-Mom, came from an amazing family, had a great career in mind…so I had it all. We got married and lived happily ever after for a long while...
I loved this man so much, I was willing to do anything for him. I wanted to make him happy and please him. So much that at some point I would sacrifice my own happiness to try to please him. And that's exactly what I did. A lot. Poor guy didn't even know about it most of the time, but it began to lead to resentment on my part. Over time, my feelings of self-worth became based on whether or not I thought I was good enough for him, or I thought he thought I was good enough for him.  So I continuously tried to please him more or prove to him and myself that I was good enough. And if I didn't think he thought I was good enough, feelings of resentment would set in because he should think I'm amazing with all the pleasing I was doing. That resentment led to my believing that maybe he didn’t care so much about me and didn’t love me so much. Which was Satan's lie. You can see why I began going down a bad road. And it all started with my self-worth problem, and the way I was thinking. And I was completely unaware of any of this as I was going through it.
Isn’t it interesting that our thoughts can control our beliefs and feelings that lead to our actions and end results? The book, "As a man Thinketh" by James Allen talks about just this. There many podcasts and successful life coaching programs and books out there that teach self-awareness and the power of our thoughts. It's all that awesome Emotional Intelligence we hear about. And I soon learned that stinkin' thinkin' never got me far. This kind of thinking I had developed with my husband had begun long before I even met him. I was a people-pleaser by nature—well at least those people who were most important to me. But I never learned how to please myself very well, especially after marriage. I just thought I wanted to be what everyone else expected or wanted me to be. I was like what Jody Moore calls being "vanilla ice cream". I was a watered down version of myself. There are a lot of people in the world who love vanilla ice cream. But I am not vanilla ice cream. And I don't really want to be vanilla ice cream. I think I am more like chocolate fudge brownie--actually that's what I'd really like to be. But I'm pretty sure I've got nuts in my ice cream. And honestly, I hate nuts in ice cream. Who wants to chew ice cream? Apparently some people do. So there are things I don't like about me, but I can change it if I want, or just be content that I'm not exactly who I want to be, yet... The point is, I had to stop being what everyone else wanted me to be, to be my best self. I could stand up for myself and be crazy and not care what other people think (wouldn't that be a dream?!). But first I had to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. At this point, my husband began to worry about me, that I'd go off, leave my family, in an attempt to "find myself". I told him I wasn't going to leave anyone, but I was going to find myself. And in the process, I found God. And that's where this all began...

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